the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
