I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
