When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
