dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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