glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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