dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize