Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My cat gives me a boner
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
