just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
