There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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