did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
