he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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