nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
