I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I want to be your penis for a week.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize