take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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