god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
