My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
PANTIES FOUND
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