my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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