How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
