Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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