I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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