Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
