I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
