I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
