I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
