I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
