Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
