Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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