What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
