you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
