I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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