You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
