He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
