You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
