If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
