I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
