whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
