it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
