And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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