I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize