my soul wont recognize me after tonight
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Randomize
