just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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