if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
