Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
