i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
