Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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