flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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