I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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