I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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