Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
