I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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