awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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