Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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