What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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