Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
