i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
