i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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