I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize