you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Boobs speak an international language.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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