you would pick up someone in the library
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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