I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
