I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
