You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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