When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
