I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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